I should stop seeing people who remind me my mistakes.
It's really strange for me.
I have lived alone for 3 years in MY.
I have always considered myself as an independent person.
I have seldom felt like "bored" or " nothing to do"
I have been always looking for more time to do my stuffs.
I have been always around many people that i wish i had more time to spend with them.
But, in this beautiful city, I feel so lonely, even when i have so many assignments and works to do, i get the feeling of
" nothing fun to do"
"nobody to talk with"
I hate my loneliness here, it's killing me and i am trying hard to avoid it. I am just glad for having few friends here, otherwise i would have been died already.
Am i enough strong to face my loneliness?
I talked to my friend yesterday- a topic that I was trying hard to avoid talking about it-It has been a while that I have decided to stop talking about my negative point of view about relationship stuff- but I could not. Suddenly the topic goes to this area and as soon as I opened my mouth, I saw my friend face is turning to red- to shocking-to angry!
I knew it.
My ideas about relationship are so disappointing that nobody can bear it.
Since last night I start thinking of what made this stupid idea shaped in my mind. What is really the reason that I always think people are not happy in their relationship and they just pretend they are happy. Where the hell I get this idea that there would be no good ending for relationships?
I thought over and over again until midnight.
I know most of it is because of the influence of sharing bad experience of my friends with me, every time I asked them about their F** relationship, they told me the saddest story ever that make me happy that I am not in their shoes and this is not one case, two cases, three cases, it is about all of them!
Then I started to look at the life of the people who I lived with, my sister, my brothers, well, I can say they are really happy in their relationship , I have never seen any sad story like what my friends told me in their life, ..But what made me turn to be like this?
Well, I could not really figure it out what the hell was the cause of my stupid and hopeless ideas about relationship, but i got a great comment from my friend, as long as I think like this, nothing good will be happen to me. And this is true.
It's 4 pm, Friday evening, I am still marking student's assignment and still have long way to go.
I am looking at people's photo in facebook, they looks happy, they look excited, they look in love.
Then i recognized it's been a while that i am not in any type of relationship/right or wrong
useful or useless/ long distance or short distance..
my heart is empty of love,
When i listen to a lovely song, there is no body in my mind whom i want to share this with.
When i go to romantic cafes, there is nobody i wish was here and i could spend my time with.
It's been a while that i am empty of love, I missed being loved and love.
How long this is going to be continued?
When my heart injures are going to recovered?
When i can stand up and trust again?
It's been a month I am in Montreal
It's been a month i haven't seen my lovely colleagues
It's been a month i haven't wear my sandals
It's been a month i haven't talked to Maping
It's been a month i haven't drink my Kivi juice in Bangsar village
....
But
I am still happy, with a lot of mixed feeling,
I am still excited, with a lot of ways to go.
and i still believe :
Life is moving and i have i have to move on, Like a water in the river before it ends.